The silent killer
06 March 2021
I
was going to write this about a week ago, but was not in any position to do so.
As I sit and write this now, I am in a much better space, and am comfortable
that I can no better capture the emotions, and dark places I have been in.
For
about 4 months now I have again suffered the darkness of depression. Understand
that since my divorce, and the subsequent challenges associated to that event,
I have been in and out of depression numerous times. But, at each event, I
recognised it, and was able to pull myself out of it, relatively quickly
getting back to a state of normality.
But
this time was different. I don't yet know what the main cause or driver was,
but I was unable to reverse it as easily, and felt myself sinking deeper into
the hole by the day. On top of this, I also started to suffer from anxiety, not
something I had experienced before during my states of depression. So much so
that I was having panic attacks when there was nothing going on to cause it.
I
think the last time I was so depressed was during the divorce proceeding, and
the period, 3 - 6 months, thereafter.
So
what was it like? It's not easy to explain, but let me try.
The
biggest thing is total loss of any motivation. Getting out of bed in the
morning is a big issue. Even brushing your teeth and taking a shower is an
effort (please note I still did these things, but only because I have some
semblance of sanity pushing me, and due to my knowledge of what was going on in
my head. Anything that required any
effort was just put off. Sorting out cupboards, clearing the garage, home
maintenance - all these were just ignored. Doing laundry is a chore, and most
meals are just missed as it is too much effort to firstly think of what to
make, and then actually having to make it.
The
TV is on, but not watched. Series which I was following just pass by, makes no
difference to me anyway. Find myself just sitting in the easy chair, maybe on
my cellphone, maybe just wanting to sleep. And cursing myself because another
day is going by and I'm not getting anything done.
If
I had just invested one hour a day, on my not working days, to doing something
in the house, I would have finished sorting / tossing / disposing of everything
I wanted to. But here it all is, waiting.
My
son calls and asks what I'm doing Saturday? No plans, why? Maybe come round and
help me sort my workshop. Normally I would be jumping at the offer - As it
turns out, I went, and we did a lot of work, but I had to keep pushing myself
to do the next thing, and not just go and sit somewhere and …..do nothing.
12 March 2021
Left
this for a few days. Still on top of this emotional darkness, haven't felt this
stable in a very long time.
Another
problem is I have arthritis in both wrists, and, I suffer with a serious back
problem, and as my work requires me to use my hands mostly, and usually on my
feet for 8 hours, by the time I get home I am exhausted, and in pain. This week
I went to the chemist and got some anti-inflammatory pills, and for the first
time in more then 4 months I am pain free. I was going to bed in pain, getting
up in pain, and doing what had to be done, pushing through the pain. But I
don't want to be dependant on the pills, so will only be taking them as and
when really necessary.
I'm
also finding that as much as I was enjoying being alone, this is now getting to
me. Not that I am suddenly going to become a social animal, but feel the need
to have someone here, to talk to maybe, to share stuff with maybe, but just to
now that someone is here. So I've been going to see a mate more often than
before, and I tend to spend more time at the club, just to be in a
"socially noisy" environment. And it's not that I sit and chat with
the guys there, it's just hearing other voices, laughter, stuff….
I'm
also not stressing the "I got nothing done" moments anymore. As long
as I have a good day, that's more important.
I
could probably write a lot more here about this, but I'm not. As I am now in a
good space, I must try to maintain a clear mind. Trying to capture the darkness
has a tendency to pull you back into itself.
21 March 2021
Today was a hard one again - not desperately dark, but just wasted.
Went to church, came home - and that was it. No motivation to go anywhere (no
where to go), and no motivation to do anything.
This is not good - still think that a life with no dreams is
really just a waste of time. Yesterday I went to a party at a friends house. Not
impressed by the way people behave in general. Lot's of alcohol abuse.
