20 April, 2025 - To my blogger brother.

I have spent two days running and writing this post in my head. There is so much I want to say, even more I should say, and yet......

All would be so much easier and better if done face to face. But that's not an option right now, so I'm going to try and speak to him through this post.

DMD / DMGD....

Your post really hit me, and yes, I was in tears. And not only because of the content of your post, but also because I understand what you going through - mostly.

First thing I have to put out there, there is no shame in a man showing his emptions, crying, getting emotionally upset. There are not features reserved for the ladies. I think there is someone out there right now who would gladly offer a listening ear, along with any tears, without any judgement. Seriously. I've been there, and still am in many respects - I have no shame showing that I feel. We are human, made with emotions as part of your DNA, and just because we were raised in an ear where men didn't show their emotions does not mean we don't have any, and does not make that statement true. Giving vent to your emotions helps. You will no doubt have had those crying sessions when you are alone in your room, and that gearbox in your brain is running amok, with all the "what if's", and "why me's"..... And you will have felt a bit better afterwards - I know - I have.

Your partner is ill, and you had to make a big decision about her care - and you did - I have no idea how hard that was, but I do know what having a family member suffering from that disease is like, and the best thing for them is being in a place that can give them the care and attention they deserve. You arranged that. Well done.

You also looking for company now, been alone too long (I was warned after my divorce "Don't get used to your own company" - I didn't listen). I understand. It's nice to have another person on call, someone who you can have dinners with, take walks, sit and chat... share some normal life together. And you will find her. She's out there. But it takes time, and patience.

I know you not impulsive, and so won't get into anything you don't feel right about. And your a nice guy, well mannered, gentle, love music, love life - hey what's not to like about you. So, you will find someone.

The fear of maybe being alone can conjure up unfounded fears, and we need to be aware of this - don't want to make hasty decisions.

Finally, the lady you speak of looks awesome (if it's her that Facebook popped up as a possible friend, who is linked to you...). She's been responsive, good. She's probably going to read your blog. You should get "feedback" of some sort from that. Either way, stressing about it now won't change the outcome.

Apart from the above, the past couple of years have been hard on you. I understand what you went through with your S. I am in awe of what you did for her before you had to make your hard decision. Your brothers story, and now having to take care of the Monster nephew, plus having your mom live with you... It's been hard. I know. 

Now this is where I'm at - And I think I know your stand on this, but it's my story.

When I was at the very bottom of my darkness, I had only one place left to turn, my bible. I opened on random pages and read. Closed it, opened again and read. And so many times the paragraph or chapter had a message for me for that day, or that specific event that needed clearing up / sorting out.

My heling came after one particularly bad evening, I was in my study, I had read a piece, and then started to talk to my "dad". Yes, I refer to God as Dad, He doesn't mind. In tears I eventually found myself on the floor, begging Him to take it away, to help me get through this, to stop my brain gearbox from going into overdrive....

I don't knowhow long I was there, if I passed out or fell asleep or what. But some time later I got up, and felt lighter. My mind wasn't burning out, I was calm, and able to think clearly about stuff. Since then, I've had a few bad stints, I've even had to get meds for the depression twice when I couldn't work my way through it..... But I've never again got to that low point I was that night.

I don't really know your stand on religion or God, or Jesus. I must assume you will have some knowledge on the subject (you not a stupid person), and I doubt you believe that you are the descendant of an ape....So, brother, maybe just sit on your deck at sunset, with a glass of wine, or beer, and have a chat to Dad. He's listening, and will hear you. It's a non-critical ear, and with promised good results.

Sorry if I am coming across as bible bashing - I'm not wanting to, just sharing what happened to me. I have so much more to say here, but maybe better kept for another time - maybe when I get to visit again.

Be strong, keep up the good work. Believe in your self.....and stay safe brother.